So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
