Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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