He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
