lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
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