I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
