im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
