I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
