I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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