I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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