our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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