you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
