Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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