I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize