I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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