I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
