I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
