My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
