i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
