i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
