I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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