ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
