The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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