sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
