my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
