I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
