im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
