My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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