You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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