I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So much Jack, so little girl.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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