My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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