i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
