Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize