I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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