Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
