Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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