Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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