I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
