cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
