so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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