I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
