Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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