the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
