I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
