im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
