also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
