My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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