Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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