God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Randomize
