I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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