this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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