She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
