Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
