I hope mine doesn't look like that
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
