Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
