eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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