even my farts smell like vagina
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
