I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
