Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
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