we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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